


better

by andlucyy



Category: The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Friends to Lovers, Gay, How Do I Tag, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mention of alcohol, Mention of blood, Past Relationship(s), Proceed with caution, Unhealthy Relationships, mention of sexual manipulation, there is nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28727628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andlucyy/pseuds/andlucyy
Summary: two sides of the same coin can never really face each other. that was why after tim, dallas fell in love with his opposite. the kind, caring, emotionally stable day to his cruel, nonchalant, volatile night.
Relationships: Johnny Cade/Dallas Winston, Johnny Cade/Tim Shepard
Comments: 41
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi so this is my first multi chap of quite a rare-pair regardless i hope you enjoy <3 nini and ollie this is for you i wouldn’t have written it without you two so thank you :) 
> 
> also it’s not capitalized cause i wrote it on my phone i hope you don’t mind

sometimes, johnny thought about breaking up with dallas and wasn’t at all upset. it seemed insane, because how could he not be, but alas, the moment he ended it with him, he physically felt the weight of another person lift off his body. 

that didn’t mean to say that johnny wasn’t sad about it in the beginning, though. in the beginning, johnny didn’t know how he would go on without him — without the soft blue eyes and the sleeping together and the sharing cigarettes in the morning. it made him wonder why he broke up with dally in the first place, then he thought of the reasons, and then he went on. 

johnny wasn’t the first person dally had fallen in love with. before they were close, dally was involved with tim shepard, and god knows what that must’ve been like. two sides of the same coin can never really face each other. that was why after tim, dallas fell in love with his opposite. the kind, caring, emotionally stable day to his cruel, nonchalant, volatile night. it was good for a while. johnny was resilient, and remained by dally’s side as he screamed and broke things, and tirelessly tried at the lock that kept his feelings shut inside when he got cold and distant. but more often than not, johnny felt himself acting as a support animal rather than a boyfriend. he could only carry so much of dally’s emotional baggage before it was too much.

there was an overwhelming feeling of guilt in johnny’s chest when he broke up with dally, but that was apart of the problem. he felt as if he was the reason dally wasn’t out late at night jumping people, which wasn’t inherently bad, but he couldn’t allow dally to center his purpose and character and moral code around him, it wasn’t right. 

now that he didn’t have a boyfriend, johnny had a lot more time for his other relationships, and was hanging out with pony (and inevitably, curly shepard) more than ever. most days they’d just hog the shepard’s living room because darry didn’t like curly around and tim didn’t have enough time to care about who curly was with. 

there were plenty of good things about being at the shepard’s — no socs, no distracting radio that was too loud, and no dally. god, imagining trying to be around dallas was a nightmare, especially because johnny knew that he wasn’t suffering as much as dally was. it’d taken him quite a bit to convince himself that dally would be fine without him, and that he wasn’t at fault for dally’s behavior. he needed to heal, and at that point, there was no one who could help him recognize that but himself. 

johnny was spending yet another hot afternoon at the shepard’s house when he first really talked to tim. pony and curly had retreated into curly’s bedroom, leaving johnny awkwardly alone in the living room. he didn’t mind the fact that he was by himself, but he was in tim shepard’s living room (and the fact that dallas dumped tim to go steady with johnny didn’t help one bit). 

at first, he chose to wait for pony and curly but grew impatient and decided to leave before tim got home, which could be at any second. he wasn’t scared of him or anything, he would just rather avoid the tense glare and conversation. 

with his hands in his back pockets, johnny strode to the door and opened it, only to be met by a pair of sapphire eyes staring down at him. just his luck. 

tim scoffed. “johnny cade, in my living room? i never would’ve guessed it,” he said dryly. 

johnny stood unable to move. he was trapped in tim’s captivating gaze. his eyes were so incredibly blue, more so than any sky or ocean. and they were different from dally’s blue eyes, which were sheets of pale ice that melted only when johnny was around. for a second, he wondered if dally’s eyes had softened for tim too… 

“so are you just gonna stand there like a fuckin mime? move.” 

“that’s not what mimes do yknow?” johnny stepped out of tim’s way. 

“fascinating,” tim said sarcastically, falling onto the beat up couch and tossing his keys onto the coffee table he was propping his feet up on. 

tim’s sharp remarks shocked johnny, who hadn’t experienced banter like that in the longest time. it excited him, got his mind racing. he almost forgot about the fact that he was dally’s ex. 

“hey, johnny, should we head out?” 

johnny turned and saw pony and curly walking out of the bedroom, hair moused, eyes wide and smiles giddy. they were fucking awful at being subtle about their relationship. 

“yeah, i was just leavin,” he replied, opening the door once again, “see you, curly.” he contemplated whether to say goodbye to tim. 

“i’ll see you around, eh johnny?” tim drawled before he made up his mind. 

johnny looked back at him, again shocked at what he said, but this time, he didn’t freeze. “if you insist, timmy,” he teased as he shut the door and took off, pony a few paces behind, before tim could get to them. 

as he sprinted down the streets, wind cool against his face, he smiled. adrenaline rushed through his body as he recounted the last few minutes. the rush felt so amazing that he failed to notice his pounding heart and knotted stomach. regardless, consciously or unconsciously, he was looking forward to next seeing tim.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he wasn’t sure if dally had really talked to anyone in the past year, because he sure wasn’t talking to tim. the two rarely had any moments of true intimacy, and especially not since he was dumped (he hadn’t actually told anyone that he was dumped, but if you knew him well enough, you could tell). all it was was fight him, clean him up and then watch him pass out, blind drunk on his couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would like to add a trigger warning. in this chapter, there is:
> 
> \- mention of sexual manipulation  
> \- implied sexual content   
> \- mention of an unhealthy relationship dynamic
> 
> however, none of this is graphic. please proceed with caution! i hope you all enjoy this :) please stay safe and be careful!!

by some strange disturbance in the universe, 21 year old johnny cade still lived with his parents. he simply couldn’t afford to move out. it was sad, really. he seriously regretted not getting a job earlier, even if it was just bagging groceries four times a week for like two cents an hour. it wasn’t as bad at home, though. his parents stopped bothering him after he filled out and grew a couple inches taller. they ignored him instead and there was a part of johnny that wished they wouldn’t, but he’d choose this over getting beat up any day. 

most nights over the past few years were spent over at dally’s or the curtis’, anyway. he couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty knocking on their door late at night, but he’d gotten better at accept help from others. he remembered how, at sixteen, even when the socs were at their worst, even in the middle of winter, he’d sleep all night out in the lot. when he was sober, dally would come look for him and they’d sleep on his squeaky bed in buck’s storage room. after around a year of routine, johnny started going straight to buck’s because what was the point of having a boyfriend if you’re not going to show up to their house unannounced?

looking back on it, johnny had mixed feelings about sleeping with dally. he snored and hogged the blanket and was always in desperate need of a shower, but johnny was never bothered by that. there were other parts about sleeping with dally that made it much worse. 

johnny thought he’d never see dally grovel, but he’d never seen dally drunk and horny. god, it was hard for him to think about. all the gentle concern dally had displayed for johnny on their first and only time where dally was sober had gone. it was like he was a different person. a selfish, angry and violent version of himself that didn’t care about johnny at all. 

his begs slurred and melted together into incoherent moaning that made it sound like he was in pain; and there was promise that he wouldn’t do it again, and even though it was always broken, johnny said yes. even when he said no, dally would cry, and say things about himself that johnny couldn’t tell if he meant, so he said yes. he said yes every goddamn time. 

he used to tell himself that it beat feeling the need to run away at the sound of a car driving by and running the risk of a black eye in the morning, and that the relationship demanded compromise, but sometimes, johnny felt as if the demanded compromise was all on his part. and he used to look for things that made up for it, like how dally held him until he fell asleep, and how dally never asked when he was sober, and how dally wasn’t late to that dinner date they set up, even though he was late to every other one. 

it took him so long to realize that there wasn’t an excuse for what dally was doing to him, it was just wrong. 

“baby curtis, cade, how are we doing today?” 

johnny internalised his sigh. he didn’t hate curly shepard, not at all. he was good fun, and great to make fun of because sometimes the shit he did was beyond sutpid, but he was always so… energetic.

“could be better,” johnny replied shortly as he stood up, “what are we doing today?” 

“you didn’t tell him?” 

johnny raised an eyebrow and looked down at ponyboy, who was lying on his couch, completely red in the face. “tell me what?” 

“curly and i are spending the day together, cause,” a dopey smile grew on pony’s face as he looked up at curly, “it’s our five year anniversary.” 

johnny couldn’t stop the shocked expression that came over him. “shit, that’s huge,” and massively out of character for two nineteen year old greasers. johnny ran a hand through his hair, “wow, um. you’ve been together since you were like,” he paused to do the math, “fourteen?”

they nodded. 

“wow, okay. i’ll go then,” he said as he awkwardly shuffled to the open door. 

“see ya, johnny,” pony called as he left. 

“use protection!” johnny yelled back as he shut the door. 

he had the whole day to himself. just a year ago, he would be going straight to the dx to hang out with steve and soda (mainly to bump into dally on the way there), but they got drafted. he didn’t like to think about them. 

he sighed and kicked loose rocks on the ground. johnny had no problem being by himself, but it could get fucking boring (and anxiety inducing) just being with his thoughts all day. 

he shoved his hands in his pockets and lit a cigarette. he considered taking a nap at the curtis’, which was quiet now that no one was ever home, but there was no way that was happening considering curly and pony return doing god knows what at any moment. 

johnny grimaced. “no fuckin’ way…”

tim had been driving around for a good half hour when he finally saw johnny leave the curtis’ house. he didn’t exactly know why he wanted to see johnny again, especially considering his brief and slightly humiliating history with him. it started with him cutting his relationship with dally short and ended with him running out of his house after calling him timmy, which no one but his mother would ever dare say to him. there was nothing that he got out of seeing johnny, but there he was, pulling up behind him. 

“hey! cade!” 

johnny turned around and the corner of his lip upturned slightly. he took a drag off the cigarette between his fingers. “tim shepard, in my neighbourhood? never would’ve guessed it. what happened, downtown get too much for you?” 

tim looked almost taken aback by what he said. almost. “shit, dally was right when he said you got a sharp tongue. where is he anyway?” 

johnny frowned and glanced away. “i dunno, haven’t seen him.”

“ain’t you two going steady or something?” tim asked, acting like he hadn’t rejoiced when they broke up almost a year ago. it wasn’t like tim and dally had resumed their endeavours after dally broke up with his boyfriend of four years, but he was petty and vindictive and couldn’t help being happy seeing them split. 

he wasn’t sure if dally had really talked to anyone in the past year, because he sure wasn’t talking to tim. the two rarely had any moments of true intimacy, and especially not since he was dumped (he hadn’t actually told anyone that he was dumped, but if you knew him well enough, you could tell). all it was was fight him, clean him up and then watch him pass out, blind drunk on his couch. 

“nah, it’s over.” 

“figures. it explains why you two ain’t glued at the hip.” 

a moment of slightly tense silence passed. johnny took another drag. 

“you wanna ride anywhere?” tim asked. 

he looked back at tim. “where you headed?” 

tim shrugged. “nowhere.” 

“me neither, but i’d never pass up a ride from ol’ timmy shepard,” johnny said as he opened the car door and slid into the passenger seat. 

tim scowled and started driving. 

johnny offered his cigarette to tim. “wanna smoke?”

he took it from johnny. “so, what happened between you and dally?” 

“it just wasn’t working out for us,” johnny responded, short and stiff. tim didn’t pry any further, he could tell that it made johnny uncomfortable, but that didn’t stop him from teasing him about it. 

“shit, i’ve never seen a hood like dal so willing to die for anyone but themselves. you must’ve given good head,” tim smirked and returned johnny’s almost finished cigarette, who laughed dryly.

“very funny, timmy. your jokes are honestly just… top tier,” johnny said sarcastically and tossed the butt out of the car. 

he avoided tim’s eye and stared out the open window, leaving their statements lingering awkwardly in the air. tim could tell that he’d touched a sore spot by bringing up dally, because this wasn’t the same johnny that was in his living room just a few days ago. the edge in his words had gone, and it was as if he was shrinking back into a shell, sort of like a wounded animal. 

tim chose not to say anything about it, lest he make the situation more uncomfortable than it already was. he just stared straight ahead, thinking of what could have possibly happened to johnny for him to shut down like that when dally was brought up. 

“speak of the devil,” tim muttered, when he spotted by the heaving, bloody heap on the ground on a backroad near the boozy area of town. 

“why are we stopping?” johnny asked as tim slammed down on the break. 

tim ignored him and got out of the car. he could smell the all too familiar blood and alcohol mixture from where he was standing. he looked bad. 

“what’s going on shepard--” johnny cut himself off when he realised what tim was looking at. 

“shit, dal, what did you do this time?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> johnny was never good with blood. you’d think that after stitching himself and dally and steve and soda up so many times over the years, he’d be used to it, but he still felt his stomach turn over while watching tim disinfecting the cuts on dally’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! i’m quite excited for this chapter :)) small trigger warning:
> 
> \- mention of blood 
> 
> i hope you enjoy this! i’m liking where the story is going :D

“quick, get him in the car.” 

“fuck.” 

tim shepard never imagined he’d be speeding through town with johnny cade sitting in the backseats, dallas winston’s head bleeding out on his lap, but there he was, fingertips deep red, gripping hard on the steering wheel. he could hear johnny saying things to dally, voice soft and gentle and surprisingly calm, and couldn’t help but feel jealous. he knew it was selfish, but it’s not like he would ever tell anyone about it, so it didn’t matter. no one would ever know how he didn’t even know what he was jealous of. 

it wasn’t like he had any right to be jealous of johnny, him and dally were ancient history, so he didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. 

whatever, it doesn’t matter, he thought to himself, pressing down harder on the gas. 

“how much further?” 

“we’re here.” 

tim noticed that dally had lost weight as he carried him into his house. whether it was because he was too depressed to eat or couldn’t afford to didn’t matter to him. he wasn’t eating and by the smell of things was drinking too much. it was no wonder he’d lost the fight. 

he set dally down on his couch. “there’s a first aid kit under the sink in the kitchen.” tim pursed his lips. “this is gonna be fucking hard to wash out.” 

johnny was never good with blood. you’d think that after stitching himself and dally and steve and soda up so many times over the years, he’d be used to it, but he still felt his stomach turn over while watching tim disinfecting the cuts on dally’s face.

“this is bad,” tim said quietly. “worse than normal.”

“does this happen often?” 

tim didn’t look away from dally. “it was getting better.” 

there was an impregnated silence that neither of them knew how to break. 

johnny knew that if he’d have stayed with dally that this wouldn’t be happening, and he knew that he wasn’t responsible for dally’s health and safety, and he still felt like shit. he looked at the literal blood on his hands and sighed. he wanted to wash it off but couldn’t move. 

all the time it took him to break out of the mentality that he had to take care of dally had disappeared. it was like he was right back in it, like it had never even happened, and his arms and legs were bound and there was no way for him to get out. how could he not feel guilty about dally ruining his life? he started it. 

“you really know how to break a boy’s heart, don’t you, cade?” tim looked back at johnny this time. 

johnny bit the inside of his gum, staring at his shoes. he felt helpless in exactly the same way he did when he got jumped. “this is my fault.” 

tim didn’t say anything for a while, like he was calculating the weight of what he was about to say. “you shouldn’t blame yourself.” 

“why not? he’s like this because i broke up with him. there’s no one else to blame here but me.”

“look, i know it’s hard to hear, but you can't stop dal from doing shit. believe me, i’ve tried.” a rueful expression flashed across tim’s face. johnny wondered whether he was imagining it. “once he starts running wild like this, no one can stop him but himself.” 

johnny didn’t ask how tim knew. he always thought he knew dally best, but was beginning to second guess. they went back further than johnny knew. 

“there’s nothing we can do to control dally. i know that might be news to you, but we can’t stop him drinking himself sick; we can’t stop him getting into fights,” tim stood up and walked towards johnny, “i can’t stop him loving you; and i can't stop him from leaving.” 

their faces were inches apart. there was a spiteful edge to tim’s voice that shocked johnny, froze him where he was standing.

johnny could feel him breathing, and the heat radiating off his body. he could see clearly the jagged edges of the scar on his face, and the tiny scratches on his cheeks. he could see the darkest flecks of blue in his eyes, and how they were dangerous but clearly conflicted about something. he was sorta… beautiful. angry and terrifying, but beautiful. 

they remained like that for what felt like hours. johnny could feel himself slowly drawing towards tim. it was almost involuntary, like there was a magnetic attraction between the pair. johnny didn’t know if it was actually happening or he was dreaming. they were so close, so close to… 

dally shifted and stirred on the couch, and they were abruptly dragged back into reality. 

“you should go,” tim said, short and harsh, as he backed away. 

johnny nodded slowly and willed himself to move. he considered running out of the house and never coming back. 

“fucking shit,” he breathed as he walked away. part of him never wanted to see tim shepard’s face again, to just forgot about him entirely and live on like he had been doing before they met, but another part wanted more. it needed more, begged for it. 

he sighed, shoved his hands in his pockets and continued walking. “tim fuckin’ shepard…”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he used to think of everything and it all seemed so good -- dally’s arms around his body, the sweet whispering in the darkness, even the fights seemed better. no matter how much he saw leading up to the break up, it always felt so sudden, so abrupt. he remembered how he’d sit on his bedroom floor, wearing dally’s old shirt, wondering how he could get him back. he remembered the emptiness, the nothingness their relationship, if you could even call it that, had turned into. he remembered how he thought that he would never get over dally, and he knew what to say. 
> 
> but he didn’t say it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i hope you enjoy this chapter :) I'm so happy that you're enjoying this fic and that you're supporting it and reading it when I post
> 
> I know the chapters aren't too long and not too much happen in them, but I felt that it would be the best way to tell this story 
> 
> thank you so much for reading! i appreciate it so much!!!

the door shut gently when johnny left the house. the warmth once flooding tim’s body had drained away, leaving him cold. 

he didn’t know or understand what had just happened. one second he was yelling, furious, wanting to beat the shit out of johnny, and the next he could barely move, barely see anything other than the boy in front of him. why had he told johnny to leave again? why did he ruin the moment? why was he standing alone in his living room, wishing he could go back just a few minutes? 

dallas groaned on the couch. 

right. 

“what the fuck…” dally whispered, sitting up. 

“you can’t just stay out of trouble, can you?”

“what happened?” 

“cade ‘n i found you bleeding out on the side of the road, that’s what happened. you’re lucky we--”

dally’s head perked up at the mention of johnny, like a rabid animal when they smelled food. “where is he? is he okay?” 

“calm down, winston, he just left,” tim said bluntly, trying to hide the guilt he felt about the previous… thing he’d just had with johnny. 

dally fell back onto the couch, cursing. “why were you even with him?” 

the air in the room was tense and stuffy. tim felt like he could barely breathe. the subject of johnny was one that he avoided with dally for multiple reasons. firstly, he didn’t want to comfort blubbering dallas winston because he was sad about the boy he left him for; and secondly, he always hoped that if dally just forgot about johnny, he would come back to him. he hadn’t realised until then how pathetic he sounded. tim imagined not being hung up on someone who would be dead within the next ten years and it was surprisingly hard; he’d loved dallas since they were just kids (not that he ever admitted it to anyone). 

talking, or even mentioning johnny around dallas felt strange. it was almost like there was a knot in his chest that stopped him from saying it. just calling him ‘cade’ sent a weird adrenaline rush through his body.

“don’t work yourself up, i was givin’ him a lift to town and we saw you,” tim said offhandedly, only half-lying. 

he felt like he couldn’t look at dally, but forced himself to. dally was too wrapped up in his own self-pity to notice any quirks in tim’s behaviour, but he thought he might as well keep up the act in preparation for a moment when dally wasn’t probably concussed. 

the room was silent until dally finally spoke. “how is he?” 

“he seems… normal” tim said, considering every word and the implications of it in his mind before saying it. 

dally sighed. “i wish i could talk to him, or see him at least.” 

tim didn’t know what to say until it hit him like he’d run into a brick wall. this was him. this was exactly what he was going through when dally left him. 

he used to think of everything and it all seemed so good -- dally’s arms around his body, the sweet whispering in the darkness, even the fights seemed better. no matter how much he saw leading up to the break up, it always felt so sudden, so abrupt. he remembered how he’d sit on his bedroom floor, wearing dally’s old shirt, wondering how he could get him back. he remembered the emptiness, the nothingness their relationship, if you could even call it that, had turned into. he remembered how he thought that he would never get over dally, and he knew what to say. 

but he didn’t say it. 

there was something inside that wanted dally to stay away from johnny. he didn’t know why, but it was calling, screaming for tim to keep them apart at all costs. maybe it was so he could get some sort of sick revenge on the two for putting him through what they did, but he doubted it. if that were the case, he would’ve known, and would’ve taken far more action to ensure it. 

no, this was something different. something that felt almost… cleaner. a sentiment that didn’t come from something malicious or dirty. nevertheless, it was new and unknown, and naturally, tim being tim, rejected it immediately. 

“i don’t think that would be a good idea,” he finally said. 

“why?” 

tim didn’t think too hard about his response. “it would make you feel worse.” he felt sort of shitty about what he was doing, especially since he knew dally so well, and he knew exactly what to say to make him do what he wanted. “and to be honest, you’re both better off if you don’t,” he continued casually, like he wasn’t fucking dally over in one of the worst ways possible. 

“you think so?” dally asked. he probably felt smaller than his voice sounded. 

tim nodded and went on. “if you saw him again, you’d probably go spiralling down whatever shithole you’ve been trying to climb out of the past year, and you might even drag cade down with you, if you’re lucky.” 

“oh,” dally said. although his voice was soft and breathy, tim could hear the complete and utter defeat in it, like he knew that this was the end. he had finally acknowledged that him and johnny were done, forever.

this was the moment tim had been waiting for for years, and it wasn’t at all like he imagined it to be. there was no swell of music, no sparkles in his eyes, no desire or need to kiss dally right then at that very moment or else he might die. it was more like… nothing. there was nothing left to feel for dally. there was truly no emotion left to experience. 

“i guess i’ll go back to buck’s,” dally finally said. 

“yeah.” 

“see you around?” 

tim didn’t say anything.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in moments of complete desperation for a resolution to his inner conflict, he even considered seeing dallas again. what damage could that do, other than what had already been done? at least with him, johnny knew what was going to happen. tim was unexpected and volatile, but in a completely different way from dally. not in a way that scared him, but it made him nervous. tim made his stomach turn over on itself and his hands get clammy, but at the same time, made everything seem so much better than before. it felt like having an epiphany of sorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey gang sorry it's been so long since I've updated. school sucks sometimes. anyway, I want to add a trigger warning for: 
> 
> \- mention of alcohol  
> \- referenced/implied abuse
> 
> this is sort of a longer chapter so I hope you enjoy!

johnny cade didn’t drink or enjoy being in loud cramped places, so it was sort of a mystery to him why he was sitting at a bar, sipping on disgusting clear liquid, trying to avoid the gaze of a tall, blonde greaser making eyes at him. he glanced down at his glass, back at the blonde, then to the empty seat next to him and sighed. 

johnny had been avoiding tim for a couple days, since what happened at his house with dallas and everything else (he tried not to think about it, so he wouldn’t have to deal with that mess of emotions, but it seemed to be the only thing on his mind since it happened). it wasn’t because he didn’t want to see him again, because he did, he was just sort of terrified of that confusion he felt deep inside him, and the awkward tension that was bound to ensue. 

in order to avoid their unfortunately imminent reunion, johnny had been camping out at his house, but there’s only so long he could stand being there, for reasons that were no secret to anyone. despite the fact that it had been several years since his parents even addressed him, he still felt his chest tightening and anxiety bubbling in the pit of his stomach whenever he walked into the house. 

the cuts had closed, and the bruises had faded, but the pain hadn’t gone away. he wore it every day, in the scars on his fingers from picking up broken bottles off the living room floor; in the ache in his wrist from falling on it weird that one night he ran out to the lot because he couldn’t stand being in the house anymore; in how he always flinched when he heard hey jude because his dad loved the beatles; in how he slept with his bedroom door locked, always. 

johnny decided to stay with the curtis’ for a while. but just his luck, on the very first day, curly insisted on dragging them out to do something that entertained him. pony brought him to the movies, which johnny passed on. serves him right. 

if johnny were smart, he would have gone back to the curtis’, right then and there, but he didn’t. maybe curly was rubbing off on him, making him want to take unnecessary risks, or maybe he just wanted to see tim and now had an excuse to. either way, he bumped into tim as the sun was going down and he was starting to get cold.

this is what he was waiting for, in both a good and bad way. johnny survived through the past few empty days that dragged on and on for this. he was happy to see him again. suspiciously happy, johnny thought to himself, and stopped smiling so wide. 

“well, look at who finally decided to show his face,” tim smirked. 

“i wish i didn’t, then i wouldn’t have to see your ugly ass,” johnny quipped in response. 

“but you love seeing my ugly ass, don’t you?” 

johnny rolled his eyes and dug around his pockets for his pack of smokes to hide his reddening face. “yeah, yeah, whatever puts you to sleep at night, shepard.” 

neither of them spoke while johnny lit his cigarette. this was exactly what he was trying to avoid and there they were. not speaking, not knowing what to say next. thank god they both smoked, or else they’d be done for. 

johnny took a drag and offered it to tim, who looked more than happy to accept. he hated how he noticed the way their fingers brushed. “so, what are you doing out here?” 

“this n that. gotta meet someone in a bit, but it ain’t nothin’ serious.” tim returned johnny his cigarette. “what about you?” 

johnny shrugged. “this n that.” 

tim scoffed, both unsuccessfully holding back grins. johnny looked up at tim’s face briefly and thought he looked a lot less menacing than he probably thought he did, especially looking like that. 

“where you headed?” tim asked after the surprisingly pleasant silence hung in the air for a few moments. 

johnny pursed his lips. he understood why what he said next was a big deal. stay on with tim, or lie, go home and probably regret it? almost disappointed with himself, he knew what he wanted and needed to do. 

burying his free hand in his pocket, he took a drag from his cigarette. “nowhere specific,” he replied vaguely. he’d swear he wasn’t consciously acting coy, but who ever wants to admit that kind of stuff? 

one thing led to the other, and next thing johnny knew, he was sitting in a bar, letting tim buy him a drink which he probably wouldn’t even enjoy. 

tim downed his glass in one go. he looked so at home in the environment, walking through it and scanning every corner like he owned the place. no one ever looked back at him, probably for the better. johnny wondered how often tim came here, then wondered how often he came here with other men. he took a sip of his drink, which tasted far more bitter than he remembered. 

he felt incredibly uncomfortable and warm and slightly overwhelmed; in short, not having too good of a time. tim, who’d brought him here in the first place, wasn’t even trying to talk to him or anything, he was just chatting up the bartender, probably trying to get out of paying. johnny looked away from his glass up at him and saw he’d already bought another round. 

“here, have another,” tim yelled over the too loud music and chatter. 

for a second it felt like being in the curtis’ before everything sort of went to shit, and johnny felt a stab in his chest. what he’d give to go back to that time… 

“i’m good, i still got some left.” 

he felt like he couldn’t even get his whole sentence out before tim shrugged and downed both of the tiny glasses. he couldn’t even tell if tim had heard him. johnny chewed on his bottom lip and mentally noted that tim wasn’t the most pleasant intoxicated. 

a sudden flash of realisation crossed tim’s face. “fuck, what time is it?” 

johnny glanced at the clock behind the bar. “round 8,” he said shortly, already tired of the bar and everything to do with it. 

“shit.”

johnny raised an eyebrow at tim, who was thinking hard about something. 

he sighed. “look, cade, i gotta meet someone like right now. it’ll only be ‘round twenty minutes, but i get if you wanna leave,” he explained quickly. 

“no, i’ll wait,” johnny replied, even though he would definitely hate the bar more by himself. more and more, he found himself going out of his way to do things for tim, and whenever the notion crossed his mind, he felt like stepping out of his body and slapping some sense into himself. 

‘tim shepard? no way,’ he’d say to himself, acting like saying shit out loud actually changed anything. 

in moments of complete desperation for a resolution to his inner conflict, he even considered seeing dallas again. what damage could that do, other than what had already been done? at least with him, johnny knew what was going to happen. tim was unexpected and volatile, but in a completely different way from dally. not in a way that scared him, but it made him nervous. tim made his stomach turn over on itself and his hands get clammy, but at the same time, made everything seem so much better than before. it felt like having an epiphany of sorts. 

he actually seemed genuinely surprised to hear that johnny was willing to staying, but after a moment of initial shock, his face lit up and he smiled, like properly smiled. johnny couldn’t name a single time anyone from the shepard family, let alone tim, had shown that kind of emotion without having done something illegal beforehand. 

“great!” he said enthusiastically, then repeated himself dully, as if to correct his tone to what he was supposed to sound like. “i’ll be right back.”

he turned on his heel and walked out the door, leaving johnny alone, in a bar he didn’t know, with a bunch of people he didn’t know. 

johnny sighed and looked down at his half empty shot glass, and wondered if this was a good idea.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> johnny looked over at tim, who was lighting a cigarette. his zippo illuminated his face in a warm, soft glow and he really looked gorgeous. johnny could’ve sworn that his eyes had flickered over at him for a second, but then again, he could’ve just imagined it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so im back. um enjoy this longer chapter (i think) and (maybe) i wont put off writing the next chapter for so long :) also johnny and tim need to stop smoking in every chapter, it's unhealthy
> 
> tw:   
> \- mention of alcohol

“you come here often?” 

the blonde greaser had come over to talk to johnny. he winced at the smell of his breath, but he didn’t notice, probably because he was too drunk to. 

he shook his head and stared at his tiny glass. “first time.” 

“i see…” he responded vaguely, probably out of pick up lines. 

johnny laughed stiffly to fill the silence. he thought talking with tim would be awkward, if only he’d have known. he would give anything for tim to just show up right then. 

it almost physically hurt to stay quiet, and to not wave away the awkward tension in the air as he’d learnt how to after nights of talking to drunk dally or emotional dally or sulking dally, but he didn’t actually want to continue conversing with this guy, so maybe if it got awkward enough, he’d leave. 

the tactic proved unsuccessful when the blonde finally decided on offering him a drink. straight to the point. how charming. 

“no, thanks. i’ve had enough for tonight,” johnny said curtly, growing more uncomfortable by the second. he noticed the greaser inching unsubtly closer to him. 

“oh cmon, babe, just a tiny little drink?” he nudged johnny’s arm in an attempt to be flirty. 

“i said no.” 

he moved his face in closer with no intention of stopping anything until he had gotten what he wanted. “i insist.” 

johnny knew he wouldn’t be able to overpower this guy, and cursed himself out for not bringing his switchblade. then, before he could blink, rough and forceful hands grabbed his face and jerked it forward. johnny squeezed his eyes shut, dreading whatever was to come after the unwanted kiss, but a few seconds passed and their lips never even met. 

“you’re in my seat.” 

a wave of relief flooded johnny when he opened his eyes and saw tim towering over the blonde, who had stopped stupidly in mid air, actually looking stoic and menacing. johnny had forgotten that that tim even existed. it didn’t take long for it to register in his mind that tim wasn’t fucking around, and the greaser was gone. 

“thanks for that.” 

tim said nothing in response, and gestured for the barman to fill up his glass. 

johnny studied his face carefully. his brow remained creased ever so slightly, in the way that it did when he was tending to dallas, like he was slightly panicked and uncomfortable at the situation he was in. johnny could see his jaw clenching in an almost rhythmic fashion. he could picture the emotions he was feeling washing over him in waves, and tim subsequently clenching, unclenching. johnny could tell there was something that tim wanted to say as they sat on the uncomfortable bar stools and avoided each other’s eyes. 

several drinks and a few tense, mainly silent, hours later, johnny found himself walking out of the bar with a tim too drunk for comfort hanging off shoulder -- not because he couldn’t walk, but because he was an ass -- and a slightly spinning head. the night air was a refreshing change after being in the stuffy bar for so long, and it would be nice if he could enjoy it without the threat of either one of them throwing up all over each other. he didn’t know tim’s limit, and he’d had a number of drinks that night. johnny wasn’t surprised at the effects the tiny drink had on him, because it was stronger than anything else he’d had before, and he hadn’t had very much before. 

he cursed softly when he realised that he needed to get them home somehow, knowing full well that neither himself nor tim could drive in the states they were in, and if they got caught, the punishment would be much more severe than if he was with dally, who the cops would probably thank for just drunk driving that night. tim’s misbehaviour was always careful and largely undetectable, unlike dally’s brash and intrusive stunts. 

he’d never really been around tim when he was drunk, at least not one-on-one, but johnny did have years of experience with drunks, and how different could they all be? he laughed bitterly. at least something good came out of it all. 

“whatcha laughing at, cade?” tim asked, bringing his head down to whisper in johnny’s ear.

“nothing,” he responded breathlessly, feeling his face heat up and a familiar rush in his stomach, so uncomfortable and incredible that it made you wish it would stop and yearn for more at the same time. normally, he would have told himself to get a grip, but this was hardly considered a normal time, and it felt so good… 

tim must have noticed the flush in johnny’s cheeks, because he moved in closer, so close that his lips were brushing against johnny’s skin. “are you sure?”

god, he’s fucking cruel when he’s drunk, he thought to himself. two can definitely play at that game. 

johnny turned his head so he was looking right into tim’s eyes. “no, but i’m still not gonna tell you.” 

their faces were incredibly close, closer than they’d been on that day in tim’s living room. It would be so easy to just kiss him, right then and there, but johnny didn't. he sometimes liked the slow burn anyways, if he could even call it that. 

johnny smiled. tim hadn’t been expecting his response, as he’d hoped. johnny took satisfaction in the audible catch in his breath. 

he turned away from tim, who followed a few moments after. “we need to get home, or at least we need to get you to yours, and i don’t know the way.” 

“walking me home like a true gentleman. how chivalrous.”

“to be fair, i’m only doing’ this because i don’t know the way to my neighbourhood from the bar, and i do from your house, but think whatever floats your boat.” 

of course, johnny knew he was lying, and as much as the fact bothered him, he had accepted at that point that he enjoyed tim’s company. how much he enjoyed it, however, was an entirely different subject that he didn’t even want to scratch the surface of. the thought was hard to ignore, though. 

“well, shit, cade, you didn’t have to kill my dream like that,” tim said sarcastically. johnny could hear the smile in his voice. this was kind of nice. he hated being around drunk people, a product of his parents and dally and that blonde greaser from before, and expected tim to be no different, but he was shockingly relaxed and content. he supposed that being slightly intoxicated himself helped. 

johnny looked over at tim, who was lighting a cigarette. his zippo illuminated his face in a warm, soft glow and he really looked gorgeous. johnny could’ve sworn that his eyes had flickered over at him for a second, but then again, he could’ve just imagined it. 

“so you finally got your own smokes and decided to stop mooching off me?” johnny joked as tim passed him the cigarette. 

“i mean, you were the one offering them to me in the first place.”

johnny sighed. it was always the same. here they were again, walking on their own, talking about nothing, wishing they were something more. it would be so easy to just reach over and hold tim’s hand or something, but that ultimately always ended in disaster in johnny’s mind. he felt like such a kid stressing about that kind of stuff -- like he was back in school, when dally still went, and he would just watch him and wish they could be together; when he thought that him and dally were going to be a forever kind of thing. look where he was now. thinking about if tim and him were together, if they’d be a forever kind of thing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there were no snarky remarks, no sarcastic comments, nothing. not now. they both knew neither of them could afford it. they wouldn’t get many other chances like this, not where both of them were compromised enough to go this far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey gang! this chapter maybe sucks but you guys can judge. 
> 
> tw:   
> \- implied sexual manipulation   
> \- mention of alcohol and drunkenness

tim couldn’t think of a coherent or smooth way to get johnny to stay longer. they were approaching his door, and there was so much that he still wanted to say. each second wasted was another thing he’d regret telling left unspoken, and he wanted some way to make up for it. 

as his hand wrapped around the doorknob, he turned around to face johnny. under the yellow porchlight, tim could see his cheeks were flushed, beautifully darkened by the alcohol, and hopefully something to do with him. he could also see that the way johnny was biting his lip, toeing the ground, shifting his hands around in his pockets, indicating to tim that to end the night there would feel premature to both of them. 

tim had to say something, and he knew what it needed to be. nothing fancy or anything, just simply, “do you want to come in?”

the corners of johnny’s lips twitched, like he was trying to hold back a smile. “yeah, sure.”

there were no snarky remarks, no sarcastic comments, nothing. not now. they both knew neither of them could afford it. they wouldn’t get many other chances like this, not where both of them were compromised enough to go this far. 

they both walked into the house, and tim could feel the tension growing as they walked over the spot in the living room where they’d almost… they’d almost done whatever that was going to be. tim shifted his attention to just getting through the hallway and to his room, so he could avoid angela or curly hijacking them. 

tim glanced back at johnny, who was surveying the house curiously as he trailed slightly behind. this was uncharted territory for them; anything could happen, and tim was fully aware of the fact. johnny seemed to be too, as he briefly met tim’s eye but looked away and played it off as if nothing happened. tim looked back ahead and felt a rush in his stomach. 

“this is my room,” he stated, feeling like an idiot for no reason other than that he had no idea what to say or do with himself. he would’ve felt bad about having an untidy room if johnny hadn’t been dating dally prior to… this. tim’s mess was probably a breath of fresh air for johnny. 

“It’s cool.” johnny looked at tim and smiled softly. 

tim was almost accustomed to feeling boneless when johnny did that, or anything for that matter, but that wasn’t something that you just got used to. 

“man, i’m fucking exhausted,” tim sighed, stretching out and sitting down on his bed. he refused to let silence settle in -- it felt like he was stopping the world from imploding in on itself rather than avoiding an awkward moment in a budding thing he was entangled in. what even were they? acquaintances? friends? crushes? maybe even lovers at a hopeful stretch? 

“me too,” johnny responded, clearly deliberating whether to join tim or stay standing. “these past few days have been interesting to say the least.” he remained standing. 

“what do you mean by interesting?” tim asked, hoping that in some way, it would be referencing him. 

“y’know. just stuff,” johnny shrugged, “with the gang and all.”

tim felt a slight surge of jealousy at the mention of other people. he’d almost forgotten that johnny had a life outside of their interactions (because he’d certainly forgotten that for himself). he imagined what johnny did and wondered longingly if johnny thought about him when he wasn’t around, because he might just die if he didn’t. even worse, what if he thought about other guys? what if there was someone else? hell, tim didn’t even know if johnny was single, let alone if he felt the same way about tim that he did johnny. 

he fell back on his bed, feeling even more stupid than he already did with these fresh doubts creeping in, but he still made sure he left enough space for johnny if he wanted to join him. 

“yeah, these past few days have been pretty different,” tim added, referencing entirely to himself and johnny and their thing. 

there was silence for a moment before johnny quickly and tentatively said, “if you’re tired, then i can go.” 

this set off quite a panic in tim’s mind as he scoured for something to say to make him stay. he couldn’t just get him in the house just for him to leave after five minutes. 

“no!” he blurted, sitting up, then immediately changed his tone. “no,” he repeated, sure but gentle. “you should stay the night. what’s the point in you going home anyway?” 

tim could see that this set off something inside johnny. the initial shock of the offer contorted into something else, something more like fear, and tim could guess why. 

when tim said ‘stay the night’, johnny was happy at first. stay the night — they could do so much, maybe get to know each other, maybe distinguish the boundaries of their relationship, but then johnny realized that tim was drunk, and if him and dally were one and the same, there was only one thing he was looking for. 

johnny pursed his lips and thought of some way to decline, but before he could, tim spoke with a sobered expression. 

“i’m sorry, that may have been outta line,” he started carefully, “but if you do stay, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” 

johnny looked out of the window then at the clock on tim’s bedside table. staying would arguably be the smarter thing to do, he admitted, but he didn’t want what he thought tim wanted. 

tim sighed. “look, johnny, if you wanna, then by all means, go home. you can even drive my car, if you bring it back tomorrow morning, but i’m telling you, i’m not asking you to stay for any other reason than for you to sleep here,” he explained, sounding more earnest than johnny had ever heard him.

he thought about it for a few seconds, before soundlessly setting himself down on the opposite side of tim’s bed. the almost instinctive doubt he had died down, it had triggered some form of fight or flight reaction in him. 

god, i’m fucked up. can’t even stay the night with someone i like without getting all scared n shit, johnny thought to himself, as he took off his shoes and jacket, even though he knew the reason why he reacted the way he did was not his fault at all. 

taking in a breath, he lay down on the bed, facing the ceiling, and the frame creaked under tim’s weight as he set himself down next to johnny. he stole a glance at tim, who had assumed the same position as him. at least for the moment, johnny had control of the situation and he knew it; he didn’t know what he was scared of now that he did. 

this night would be wasted if he didn’t do something, and it would be his fault. he couldn’t allow himself to get hung up on a possibility that was possibly not even real. determined to save what was left of their time together, johnny flipped onto his side, facing tim, who followed slowly. here he was, up close again, with no idea of what he could do. 

deciding on something that wouldn’t be as destructive as full on kissing him, and something more productive than staring at him silently, johnny slowly brought his hand to cup tim’s face, waiting for tim’s response before he continued. 

johnny felt tim’s skin warm up underneath his hand and smiled, not mockingly, but genuinely, and began tracing circles on his cheek. he was careful to avoid tim’s scar. it almost matched the one johnny had on his face, long and jagged running from his cheekbone to his mouth. he would call it a fun coincidence but the circumstances under which they received their ‘presents’ were most definitely not fun. 

they didn’t know how long they lay there, unmoving other than johnny's hand and eyes around tim’s face as he studied it, maybe he was even trying to memorize it, lest they never get this close again. god, he would give anything to stay like this forever — beautifully unknowing what they could do, where they could go, what they could even call each other — everything was new. then again, he did wish sometimes that he could just grab tim’s face and kiss it, so maybe he wouldn’t want to stay this way forever. 

it was peaceful and exhilarating at the same time, the stillness of everything. it caused johnny heart to pound and his blood to rush all over his body. he watched as tim’s eyelids grew heavy, hiding the bright blue irises he’d worshipped all evening. 

and just as they fell asleep, johnny remembered tim saying one thing, soft voice full of sleep: “man, dal was right about your eyes.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there was a part of tim that wanted so badly to prove to johnny that he was better than dally, that he could be better for johnny that dally had been, because he really thought he was. he knew that in order to truly win johnny over, he needed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey gang!! im feeling so good and happy right now so I hope you enjoy this chapter <3 <3

tim woke up slowly with a pounding head, the events of the previous night not having dawned on him. he perched himself up on his elbow and looked around his room, wondering why he’d chosen to sleep in his jeans. he didn’t remember getting quite that drunk. his eyes trailed over a familiar, yet out of place denim jacket hanging off his desk chair on top of his. he thought about it for a few moments, and like a switch flipped in his mind, everything that happened hit him like a brick wall. 

immediately, he looked down at the space on his bed next to him. empty. he wondered if he had dreamt the whole thing, but that can’t have been. he could feel the ghost of johnny’s hand on his cheek, and his jacket was right there, so it had to have been real. 

as quiet and careful as he could, tim crawled over to the other side of his bed and peered over the edge. he felt like he couldn’t breathe when he saw johnny, curled up on the floor. they’d fallen asleep together, he was sure of it, so johnny had to have moved at some point in the night or morning. tim was confused as to why he felt the need to, but he thought about it and realised that he probably would’ve done the same. 

so now what was he supposed to do? he supposed he could just wait -- he didn’t want johnny to wake up to an empty room, because he knew what message that gave off. it was what dally used to do; he would wake up, leave with all his things, and pretend like nothing happened the next time you saw him. tim didn’t expect johnny to receive treatment that was any different than he did. 

there was a part of tim that wanted so badly to prove to johnny that he was better than dally, that he could be better for johnny that dally had been, because he really thought he was. he knew that in order to truly win johnny over, he needed to be. 

as tim saw johnny shift on the floor, he moved back to his side of the bed and lay down. he bit his lip, nervous and excited for the rest of the morning. however, those sentiments were almost immediately extinguished by the thought that maybe it was time to make a move, like officially. tim thought of johnny more times in a day than he could count, but the idea of them together, officially, had never come up in the midst of it all. images of them going steady, together on dates and stuff flashed through his mind, and his heart started pounding. for the first time ever, it felt tangible, like he could actually see it possibly happening. 

before he could get wrapped up in how their gangs might view the whole thing and the possibility that it could get fucked up so quickly, he heard johnny getting up. 

tim sat up. “morning, sleeping beauty.” god, he felt like he couldn’t even get the words out right. 

“what time is it?” johnny attempted rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, but to no avail. his eyelids were still only half open and heavy. 

“eleven thirty-five.” 

“shit, is it really that late?”

tim scoffed. “we’d be lucky if curly was up before two.” 

johnny grinned slightly. he’s so fucking cute, tim thought to himself, then scowled internally. he felt like such pansy, jesus christ. if anyone ever even implied that he would ever think of someone like that, he probably would’ve told them to fuck off. 

silence settled in the room, and tim felt like he should probably say something, but what about? the previous night? not a fucking chance. the future? he should probably let johnny wake up a little more before he went there. he was truly drawing a blank on what trivial topic he could kill time with, but didn’t have a chance to fret about it long. 

“god, you’re just fucking unbearable sometimes,” a familiar voice rang through the house. 

“wait, ponyboy,” curly’s voice followed, “come back, let’s talk about this.”

“shit,” tim muttered to himself, and trailed behind johnny, who had already left the room to check on the commotion. 

they didn’t get to see much, just pony slamming the door, and curly cursing and storming back into his room. johnny followed pony outside, much to tim’s disappointment, as he followed curly. he found him sitting cross legged on his bed, shoving one of his pillows in his face. 

tim had never really interfered with curly or angela’s relationships, but the fact that he had pleaded with ponyboy to come back, and the tone of his voice, and the fact that he’d stepped down like that (if there was anyone with more ego than tim, it was curly), indicated to him that this wasn’t a normal incident. 

he sat down on the edge of curly’s bed. “what happened?”

slightly muffled by the pillow, curly replied. “just ponyboy getting on me for fighting yesterday.” 

“who were you fighting?”

curly shrugged. “some guy who used to go to our high school. he was talking shit about ponyboy, calling him a queer n stuff.”

tim raised an eyebrow. “well then why was he mad at you?”

“i don’t know!” curly exclaimed, “he kept on saying that i shoulda left it alone n that he’d rather people say shit about him than get hurt, and i kept saying that if people think of him a certain way, he’s gonna get hurt.” he sighed, throwing himself down on his bed. 

“so then what led to the shoutin?” 

curly sighed again. “i told pony that if he wasn’t going to take care of himself, i would, or else he was gonna end up beat up in an alley like all the other queers in tulsa.” 

“well shit, curly, you really do have a way with words, don’t you?” 

“yeah, i know i fucked up,” he hissed. 

tim paused before he said, “y’know you have to make it up to him, right?”

“i know,” curly replied, more hopelessly this time, a slight quiver in his voice. “can you just go? i need to think about this.” 

tim walked back to the living room without saying anything else, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. 

“your brother’s quite the charmer, isn’t he?” 

tim sighed. “just let it be, they’ll figure it out eventually.” he collapsed onto the couch next to johnny. 

“what he said was fucked up.”

“i know, but he does have a point,” tim said absentmindedly.

johnny looked at him incredulously. “what do you mean ‘he has a point’?” 

“i mean, if people think they can walk all over the Curtis kid like that, they’re going to.” 

johnny shifted in his seat, leg brushing against tim’s. sparks shot up his spine. “it’s just that i think curly doesn’t really get the implications of his words and how other people can interpret them.” 

tim furrowed his brow. he wasn’t expecting johnny to gather that from what pony or curly had said. “well then, maybe pony should think about the way he acts around other people so he doesn’t give them the wrong message.” 

“maybe if curly wasn’t so dense or drunk all the time, he would get the message pony was trying to send.” 

tim turned to look at johnny. he didn’t want to read too much into what johnny was saying, or else that would lead to all kinds of disaster, but there was no way what he said was in reference to curly. god, maybe he should take tim’s advice and think about what he was doing. 

“maybe if pony didn’t insist on being so damn cryptic all the time, people would know what the hell he was trying to say.” 

johnny turned to look at him, and for what felt like the hundredth time that morning, his heart raced. his eyes were bright and alive, staring right into tim’s. he could see that johnny was clearly passionate about what they were saying. 

“yeah well maybe curly should just say something about it!” johnny said, leaning towards tim. 

“it’s not curly’s fault that pony can’t just say what he wants to say.” tim mirrored johnny’s actions as the conversation heat up. he felt like there was water inside him that had been simmering, and it was finally coming to a boil, threatening to spill over the edge; out of the frying pan and into the fire. 

johnny moved closer, almost intrusively. tim’s eyes widened as johnny began talking, with no indication of backing down. “equally, it’s not pony’s fault that curly won’t just say whether he fucking loves him or not.” 

tim almost jumped back at his statement, but instead did the opposite, and like an asteroid coming crashing down onto earth, closed the neverending space between them and smashed his lips against johnny’s. just like that, he felt like he was ascending into the stars, like every light had turned on, like everything was falling into place. he felt like things were finally right.

tim brought his hands to cup johnny’s face and felt like he had everything he wanted, like he had the whole damn world between his fingers. 

johnny leaned into his body, and moved his hand to rest on tim’s forearm, gently gripping at his shirt sleeve. tim felt his chest swell. johnny was reciprocating. johnny was kissing him back. johnny wanted this. johnny was all tim wanted, and he wanted him too. 

when one of them finally drew away from the other, they just stared at each other, speechless, breathless, everything-less. what could they do now? 

apparently, not very much, because before tim could get anything out, johnny stood up and bolted towards the door. 

“wait!” tim called as he managed to catch johnny’s wrist. 

he stopped and looked back at tim, chest rising and falling in quick succession. his eyes were still gleaming, but clearly conflicted. tim didn’t think twice about anything as he got to his feet and kissed him a second time. he loosened his grip on johnny’s wrist and savoured the feeling for a few seconds before he pulled away. it felt like it was over to soon, but tim guessed that every kiss would always feel like it ended ‘too soon’, if they ever even kissed again. he would never get enough of johnny. 

tim’s eyes trailed him sadly as he walked out of the door, possibly forever. he felt like he’d fucked up the best thing about his life, all for two kisses, but man, did those kisses feel worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sadly i do think the fic might be ending in the next few chapters, just because it seems to be coming to a natural close and I don't want to drag this out too long :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he scoffed. “what’s that supposed to mean?”
> 
> “it means i love you too, tim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter!! im very njkvskkjnsv incoherent rn so if you wanna like. idk talk or something my tumblr is @/himboxsokka 
> 
> thank you all so much for reading and for the comments and kudos! I hope you all like this ending :)

johnny didn’t know where his feet were taking him but he followed them anyway, face probably more flushed than it felt like. his undone hair flew back as he sprinted down the road away from tim’s house. he thought back to the last time he’d done the same thing and a wave of nostalgia for the carefreeness of not being in love rushed through him. oh, to be unbound by the prospect of someone loving him back again. 

after a good ten minutes running, energised by the adrenaline pumping through his veins from tim’s kiss, johnny found himself in front of the curtis household, tired and sweaty. he pushed open the metal gate and shuffled through the door. it was only natural for him to come here, it was the closest thing he had to a proper home. 

“hey, johnny,” steve greeted from the couch. 

he shot him a weak smile and asked where ponyboy was. 

“in his room, he came in not too long ago,” steve continued talking before johnny could leave, “say, where were you last night? the kid said you didn’t come back, and i was just wondering.”

johnny shrugged, calm and collected as he could manage, “stayed over at a friend’s. it isn’t a big deal.” but it was. it was a massive deal. he’d just spent the night at tim shepard’s house and then kissed him and run away. there was no playing that down. 

“alright,” steve said, ending the conversation, even though the look in his eye said that he knew more than he was saying. he was always smart, johnny wasn’t surprised that he’d seen right through him. regardless, he took what steve said at face value and went to ponyboy’s room. 

he knocked softly on the half shut door. “pony?”

“come in, johnnycake.”

the room was in a normal state considering the scale of the argument ponyboy and curly had just had, but then again, johnny was comparing this to his past relationship with dally and guessed that normal relationships were far less extreme and volatile than theirs. he wondered longingly if his and tim’s relationship would be any different, then bit the inside of his gum and swore that he would make sure it would be. 

pony sat at his desk, scribbling away in a book. 

“whatcha doing?”

he shrugged. “just writing.”

“what about?”

“what happened this morning,” pony said, sounding surprisingly casual. 

johnny nodded. “you okay?” 

“sure. i’ll just talk to curly about it tomorrow and we can move on,” pony shrugged again. 

johnny raised an eyebrow. “aren’t you upset?” 

“oh, yeah, i was pretty mad just now, but i’ve calmed down now. i expect curly’ll probably take a little longer to cool off, but he’ll get there eventually.” 

“you’re gonna talk to him about what happened?” 

“of course,” pony said and looked at johnny like it was the obvious thing to do. “why wouldn’t we?” 

ignoring ponyboy’s expression, johnny continued questioning him. “does this happen to you guys often?” 

pony pursed his lips and thought for a second. “usually we don’t end up yelling at each other, but yeah, we argue sometimes.”

johnny looked down, just standing there in the middle of the room, unmoving and silent, as a sort of realisation hit him. all he needed to do was talk to tim. that was all he’d needed to do from the very beginning, and it took it coming out of the mouth of ponyboy for him to realise it. he felt like an even bigger idiot for running now that he’d been ‘enlightened’. well that’s what being in normal healthy relationships gets you! he thought to himself sarcastically. 

“fuck,” he muttered under his breath. 

“you ok?” 

“yeah. i just have to do something.” 

johnny’d decided, after talking to pony, that the best thing to do was to get a hold on himself and ‘bump’ into tim later that evening so they could talk. he counted that he’d been waiting seven hours in total that day -- five or so just for the appropriate time to start moving, and the rest of the time sitting in at the bar, swirling his drink around in its tiny glass. 

just before setting off for the bar he’d gone to just the previous night, johnny noticed that he’d left his jacket at tim’s, which was probably for the better: now he had an excuse to see him, and there was no way he wasn’t going to. the further the sun crept down the horizon, the more anxious to see tim johnny got. this was it. tonight was the night that he would get together with tim, because he was in love with him, and tim liked him back enough to kiss him, at the very least. 

sitting on the uncomfortable bar stool, johnny’s eyes flickered from the door to his drink to the clock behind the bar, and his leg bounced up and down. he did have a plan if tim didn’t show up, but he would much rather he did make an appearance, and fast. the hours seemed to pass by in seconds yet drag on forever simultaneously, and before johnny knew it, the bar filled and his view of the door was blocked. 

great, a reason to leave, johnny thought (his feelings towards actually being in the bar hadn’t changed from the previous night; he still hated it with his whole heart). he wasn’t going to abandon the whole mission, but instead stand outside, which probably provided for better vision anyway. he dropped a couple dollars on the countertop, smiled at the barman, who may or may not have entirely ignored him, and got off the chair. 

johnny looked down at his shoes and bit his lip, a change of environment presenting new opportunities and excitements. warmth grew in his chest and his stomach as he walked through the bar, uncaring of the rest of the patrons and whether they were looking at him or judging him or anything. so uncaring, in fact, that he didn’t notice that he was about to collide head-on with someone walking into the bar. 

they both stumbled back a bit and johnny looked up, expecting to have to profusely apologise and soothe whoever he’d bumped into with a cheap drink or two before he continued on his endeavours, but instead, his eyes lit up at the sight of who it was and an unstoppable smile spread across his face. 

“you better watch where you’re going, cade, or else you might get tangled up with someone you don’t want to,” tim said, grinning. johnny felt his knees go weak at just the sight of it. his face was so… perfect, scar and all.

“well, lucky for me, getting tangled up with you is something i wouldn’t mind,” johnny responded. 

tim laughed nonchalantly, but johnny saw his cheeks darken slightly. he made no mention of it. 

“so, what brings you here?” 

“i could ask you the same thing.” 

“well, a certain someone left their shit at my house, so i decided i would try it out,” he gestured to the jacket he was wearing and mockingly turned his torso so johnny could get a view of his clothes, “a bit of a tight fit, but good, don’t you think?” 

johnny hadn’t noticed that tim was wearing his jacket until then. “it suits you, but you look like a an idiot, busting out of it like that.” 

tim shrugged it off and handed it back to him. “shame. i woulda liked to have something to remember them by.” 

johnny smiled at the statement, put the jacket on and gestured for tim to follow him out of the bar. 

the sun had already set, and the streets were empty, everyone in a bar or at a party or getting wasted alone somewhere. walking under the yellow glow of the streetlights, it felt like johnny and tim were the only two people in the world. johnny didn’t know if it helped with what he was about to do or not.

“you kissed me,” he said bluntly, looking right at tim, heart beating hard against his ribcage. 

tim’s eyes widened, clearly not expecting to hear what johnny had just said. “yeah, i guess i did.” 

“what does that mean?”

tim narrowed his eyes, then the corners of his lips upturned slightly. “in what sense?” 

“in the sense of do you love me or not, tim?” 

again, tim’s eyes widened, then softened. a small smile grew on his face. “yeah, i do.” 

johnny swore that actual fireworks were going off in and around him. he wanted to just jump up and kiss tim right then and there, but didn’t. “good.” 

he scoffed. “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“it means i love you too, tim.” 

everything had built up to this -- every glance, every word, every touch, they were all merely crescendoing to the indescribable feeling of euphoria johnny felt looking at tim and knowing he was his, knowing they belonged to each other, that they were meant for each other. they had to be. johnny didn’t know if he’d ever feel anything this pure or good ever again. 

before either of them could say anything more, tim skipped ahead a few steps and began humming the introduction of a song. johnny recognised it. 

“colour my world, chicago?” 

tim nodded and held his hand out, as if to ask johnny to dance with him. 

he could’ve said something sarcastic about how the scene felt like it was taken straight out of some teen flick, or about tim’s song choice, or about where they were and who might see them, but johnny remained silent, and instead took tim’s hand, because at that moment, he genuinely didn’t care about anyone else than tim. he was so damn in love with him. 

they swayed softly, chests pressed together, tips of their noses grazing each other lightly every so often. not a single sound in the night other than tim’s voice. 

“...now that you're near, promise your love, that I've waited to share, and dreams…”

johnny joined in. “of our moments together…”

tim smiled at his inclusion, and raised his arm to twirl johnny around slowly, eliciting a small laugh from him, then placed his hand on johnny’s mid-back and dipped him down ever so slightly. 

“...colour my world…” tim sang, raising an eyebrow playfully, gaze flickering from johnny’s eyes to lips, “...with hope…” he slowly brought his face closer to johnny’s, “...of loving you.” 

as the last note hung in the air, their glowing eyes locked. 

“it was a pleasure falling in love with you, shepard.” 

“trust me, cade, the pleasure was all mine.”

and with that, their lips touched sweetly, and all felt right in their lives.


End file.
